This year is killing me

I’m living the life I deserve but I wish it would just get over with. I’m tired, depressed, lonely, hopeless. I don’t see or talk to anyone. I accept that’s probably my fault. Sad to realize my being will have no effect on anyone and no one will even notice when I’m no longer around. Such a waste.

Everything seems so much harder. Work is just so draining. I shut down the computer at midnight but I can’t do the same with my mind. Most nights I take a midnight walk of about two miles, but it’s just another opportunity to think about what’s going on — or more precisely not — in my life. And there’s no way to let it out. I’m just some old man of no importance. My thoughts, worries, fears, dreams matter not. After my walk I may watch a little tv but lots of times I just sit here feeling the weight crushing me. I wish there was someone to talk to, but then I think, What would I even talk about? My life is void of any substance.

I have changed these past few years and it’s not for the better. I don’t know how to fix it or even if it can be. Perpetual loneliness has made me believe this is all I can expect the rest of my life. And maybe it is. With the present state of the world chances are next to nil of even meeting anyone.

Maybe I’m not supposed to.

My exciting staycation

I’m finishing up an 11-day break from work. I return Monday afternoon, and by return I mean I turn on the work computer again. I wish I could have gone somewhere, done something meaningful, preferably with someone special. Instead I was home. Alone. Every day. I’d maybe go to the store. A couple times I Went out just driving around, but that really wasn’t much pleasure since temps were in mid-90s and the AC in my car is broken. I took care of a few thingS around the house but maybe not all I could have or should have. I walked the neighborhood, every day. I closed my rings every day which isn’t really something I’m good at doing. And I watched a lot of baseball, since mlb has cranked up its season, even if some of the new rules make it a clown show at times.

But I didn’t see anyone. I’m still missing that immensely. And I’m starting to believe I never will have anyone around again. Why should i? What do I have that anyone wants? I did get a phone call the other day from a co-worker. He has been one of my best friends for nearly 20 years, but job changes don’t allow us to talk much anymore. We hadn’t since early March. I was able to catch up with some stuff he’s got going on in his life, including a blossoming possibly romantic friendship with an old high school classmate. I hope it works out for him. He’s nearing 50 and has always been single because he’s such a workaholic. Or maybe he’s that because he’s single. But I think he’s realizing he’s been missing out. Just as I have. But he has someone apparently interested. I don’t have anyone even willing to talk to me.

I spent so much time cooped up alone with nowhere to go, nothing to do and no one to do it with I started doing a lot of thinking. Again. What’s the point of even being here? No one finds me important or useful. I just take up space. My heart is empty. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Staycation

I wish I had the money and a safe destination to get away. I have 11 days off coming up beginning later this week. It originally was going to be about six, but when my days off changed recently some vacation days I had marked suddenly became my weekend so I had to make changes. And as luck had it some other days around it were available. I’ve actually had some rare extended time off the past couple years to get away. This year I’ll be staying home, doing about the same thing I do every day except not turning on the work computer. I’m considering installing a rail that some hooks will fasten to so I can hang some things on the garage wall — rake, shovels, broom, weed eater. A place for them instead of stacked in a corner. But it doesn’t take a vacation to do that.

I did have to work from the office one day last week. A storm knocked out power at my house — and about 4,000 others nearby. It happened about 1;30 pm. I loaded up my computer and a frozen dinner about 4:05 and headed to the office. Naturally power was restored about 4:45. But me and a co-worker who also was affected spent the night in the office, my first since March 19. We’re still in no rush to return there as a group. It was weird talking to someone — actually speaking, not slack messages or emails.

I’m still just as alone as always. Last week I went to the store on Sunday and never got in the car again until stormy Thursday. I do some late-night walking in the neighborhood, usually about 1.2-1.5 miles after I finish work about midnight. I miss having someone to walk with. But I miss having someone to do anything with. I have no one calling, even just to make sure I’m still alive. I can only imagine about my 11 days away. I won’t be thought of I’m sure. I almost broke down and got back on a dating site, but I know how that would go and don’t need to pile on needlessly. They have let me know for 5 years I’m unworthy of being with someone.

I was thinking about how my life has changed these past couple years. I look back at some photos — me with some people or me alone 2-3 years ago vs. me alone now (because there is no one with me ever now). I really see the transformation of what this depression and isolation have done to me. And I honestly can’t blame anyone for ignoring me. There’s no joy, no happiness. I’m right where I belong and deserve to be. I need to learn to accept it and quit chasing this ridiculous fantasy.

New weekend, same result

So for the first time in my adult life I have a weekend. The same one most people have. Starting last week my off days became Saturday and Sunday. I have been Tuesday and Wednesday since I transferred to this position in late summer 2015. But what has changed? Nothing really. I just don’t turn my work computer on a couple different days than I used to. But I’m still stuck here at home alone, no one to see, or talk to, or hang out with. Just me inside my house, doing the same nothing I do every day.

Well I’m changing it up a little tonight, writing this while sitting on my deck. I did some garage organizing yesterday and found my bag chairs. This I s something I’ve not done in more than five years, dating back to the last time I owned a house and we’d sometimes sit out on the deck late at night, talking, taking in the sounds. So far it’s still some explosions, though not nearly as many as the past two nights. Maybe everyone has finally exhausted their fireworks supplies. I can also tell if I’m going to do this very much I’ll need to get some sort of insect repellent or I’m going to get eaten up.

I was thinking about this constant state of aloneness. I was recalling how one of the girls who used to work at the Watering Hole messaged me a couple months ago to inform me she was serving at a different restaurant these days. I’m not really comfortable yet going to a sit-down place. I see how people act these days (no mask, no distancing) and I don’t want to get caught up in getting or giving a fatal disease. It’s expanding again in my area because people aren’t taking things seriously. I haven’t been to the Watering Hole since mid-February. I was boycotting for awhile because I felt my service wasn’t very good. When I was about ready to return, when big NCAA basketball stuff was about to kick in, everything shut down. They are open, at least for pickup, maybe more. But I haven’t considered a dine-in place since this kicked in. I’ve picked up a pizza a couple times, gone through some burger drive-thrus occasionally. I’m cooking at home more, really for the first time. It may be some frozen stuff, like some burritos or pizza or corn dogs. I have started cooking more though. Making soft tacos, spaghetti, grilled cheese-egg sandwich, other things. I’m no chef, and do miss going out to eat, but I’ve also been glad to do some of this more. Still, it’s hard to cook for one. If I make something like spaghetti or tacos, it’s guaranteed to be worth about four meals.

Anyway, before I got sidetracked with cooking and stuff, I’d mentioned the girl who contacted me. I thought about contacting her recently, but then I got to thinking about things. The fact she contacted me to tell me where she’s working and to come see her and hasn’t tried again in two months tells me it probably wasn’t me she was interested in seeing, but my tip. I backed away from initiating anything because, when I first knew her a year ago, she had a boyfriend. She doesn’t need some old man bugging her if that’s still the case, which it probably is. I’ve thought about that a lot, how nearly every woman I know is involved. They don’t need me bugging them. So I don’t initiate things with people, instead waiting for the call that will never come.

But I see things, things that infuriate me. I was leaving the store yesterday. I was about to back out of my space when another car barreled in to park on the row behind me. A guy gets out, goes to the passenger door, flings it open and tells his companion to “get out of the f*ing car.” She delayed and he told her again, more forcefully. Then they walk up to the store. Besides the display I’d just seen from him I got another clue about how much of an asshole he is. She was wearing a mask; he wasn’t. Yet that is the kind of guy women gravitate to, not the responsible one who wouldn’t dream of treating her that way.

So here I sit on my deck, listening to the neighborhood explosion rate increase, wondering why life has to be so lonely. Is it really a life that way? There is so much I want to talk about, to hear about, hold someone, be held, but no one is interested in my company. I’m certainly not important. So I sit alone. Every night. With only the demons in my head talking , reinforcing my worth. They aren’t good conversation though.

New beginnings, wishful thinking

It has been longer since I’ve left town than I realized. I thought it had been January or February. It actually was November, when my sister took me to see my old eye doctor three hours away to get my cataracts cleaned up. I now see his sister, who has a practice in town. I mention that because I left town Saturday for the first time since November. I made that same three-hour drive for my nephew’s wedding.

They’ve been dating about seven years and are calling this the new beginning. It was a nice, if smaller-than-planned ceremony. Much of her family was kept away because of virus travel restrictions. Some of our family had the same issue. It was nice seeing love, but I felt so lonely. I was definitely in the minority of someone who has no one. I just sat there quietly. I thought about how I would love to have a companion but realize it’s just wishful thinking. A woman looks at me and doesn’t picture the man of her dreams. I actually have seen the disappointment register upon seeing me for the first time. I don’t know why I even went through with the dinner. I knew it was going to end terribly.

I was also thinking about how I’m the family loser at love. My parents were coming up on 56 years of marriage when my father died. My first sister, the mother of Saturday’s groom, last month celebrated 35 years. My other sister I think is at 28 years. My first brother is at 20 or 21 years. My youngest brother just celebrated 15 this month. I’m the one who broke up the perfect run. It was no guarantee I’d even have the opportunity. My entire life I’ve been much more likely to be rejected for a date rather than accepted. That is certainly the case now.

I’m learning though. Quit telling myself that someone will be interested in me. That’s just fantasy. Fantasy is the best I can ever hope for. The reality is I’m always alone and I have no prospect of it ever changing. The time we’re living in doesn’t make it any easier. And every rejection over the past few years has sapped what little hope I had.

I hope my nephew and his wife experience the long-life love of his parents and both sets of grandparents (his paternal are somewhere around 60 years). That’s not wishful thinking.

Later that day

They’re all the same. I looked it up and figured out March 19, a Thursday, was the last time I worked in the office, only because that started my work week and my computer was still there. I loaded it up when I left that night. I’ve been back only once since, about 10days later to replace a faulty keyboard. I’ve been home alone for three months. I go to the grocery or Walmart a couple times a week — masked. Only other times I leave the house are for walks around the neighborhood, alone and more frequently lately late at night, unwinding after my work shift. I see no one. I talk to no one. I am invisible and forgotten. No calls. No texts. No visits. My sister who lives about 90 miles away has been by twice when in town for a combined 90 minutes or so. I had to pick up something from a co-worker a couple weeks ago and we visited about two hours or so. That’s really a rarity these days.

I recently saw a post from a divorced woman who has found her person. It was great to see something like that happen for someone who appears to be a good and deserving person. But at the same time I felt a bit sad. Why doesn’t something like that happen to me? Why do I not meet anyone? Actually I understand it right now. I’m not going anywhere a killer disease can be spread. But there was nearly five years before this quarantine where I met rejection after rejection. I feel like I’m a good person, kind, encouraging. But I’ve had women tell me that’s not the kind of guy women want. Too boring. They want exciting, rugged, a challenge. Anyone but a guy who is going to respect her, won’t beat her up physically, emotionally, etc., is mostly stable, doesn’t live like a pig, pays his bills. In other words, boring. I’m pretty sure there is no person for me. There was one once. I didn’t value it. Now I’m paying the price, a life sentence alone. Just another of the unnoticed, unworthy, invisible masses trying to figure out how and why to plow through each day.

I’m tired. Time for bed, where sleep again will elude me while I beat myself up some more over my pathetic existence.

I’m tired

Things have been a bit stressful lately. Work has worn me out mentally. Being home alone has been stressful lately. Having no clear direction is wearing me out.

I still hear from no one. The last time I got a call or text from anyone was last Tuesday. My sister had to take her mother-in-law to a medical appointment Wednesday near me. When they were done they picked up some McDonald’s and brought it over. We visited about 45 minutes to an hour. I haven’t really talked to anyone since. I haven’t even gone outside the past two days.

It’s depressing to know no one even wants to check on me, that I have no importance to anyone. These past three months or so have been really telling. I’m stuck alone, in my crazy head that reminds me how much I’m thought of and loved. Nary a bit. I’ve come to realize that if I don’t make the effort to reach out to someone I may never hear from anyone. And that’s no guarantee either. I’ve made efforts with no reply many times.

Where did I go wrong? When did I make that wrong turn? What good am I in this world? I don’t know what I’m doing. I see no purpose. Just a big waste. And I’m too tired to even care anymore.

Watching the rain

It’s been stormy for a few days. Maybe that explains my current funk. I have nothing to do but sit around watching the rain, watching the water drop straight off the roof, wondering how long before I talk to my neighbor — a roofer — about getting gutters put on before all that runoff tears up my deck more.

Watching the rain has been all I could do. Still no one to talk to or anything. I checked in with someone today but got no reply. I don’t expect to either. I was just thinking about this person. No real reason. I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t do things like that in general. People don’t need me bothering them needlessly.

At least it was only a very short hello text. It is actually the one communication form I despise most. But it does give the recipient an out. Don’t want to talk? Ignore it. Tired of the conversation? Quit replying. Unlike a real conversation, two people actually talking, text doesn’t force you to be committed to paying attention, or to engage if you don’t want. Really any sort of in-depth conversation is basically impossible through text. It’s slow. It’s cumbersome. It’s fraught with misinterpretations. It’s the way everyone wants to communicate these days. So I play along. But I let them have the out and don’t force them to stay involved. So I’ll not bother this person again. At least I know.

But I long for real conversation, to hear a voice, to have a meaningful discussion. I miss touch, something I’ll likely never experience again. I wish there was someone for all of that, but I know it’s out of reach. I’ll just sit here alone watching the rain.

You know, I really hate myself sometimes, probably for the same reasons everyone else does. Look at me. I’m alive. I have decent health. I have a job. All the things many people now don’t have. And I’m crying because no one will talk to me. Is there anything more pathetic? I’ll watch the rain some more. Maybe I can drown in it.

Settling in

I’ve been here about six weeks, in this house that I’m still about two weeks away from making my first mortgage payment on. Today I put together a couple of metal shelving units for the garage. I bought these when I owned my first house, probably in about 2011. I brought them with me when I moved here and tore them apart for the past 4 1/2 years or so when I had nowhere to put them and no use either. Today was the third attempt to assemble them. A couple days after I bought the house I brought them over and tried to get started on them while waiting on some installer or something to show up. I quickly got frustrated with it and set it aside.

I tried again yesterday. I was getting some of it together but would discover I’d assemble one section or another wrong and it would have to be redone. Then trying to piece it together (they’re about seven feet tall) by myself proved to be impossible. Frustration again set in and I took apart what little I’d accomplished in about two hours and gave up.

I wasn’t going to let it beat me though. I tackled it again today. I thought about the best way to put them together, then got it finished about three hours later. Now I’ve got some organization space for tubs (mostly empties) and tools and getting closer to having the garage organized and cleaned up. Maybe I could fit a second car in there some time, not that there will be one. I don’t see myself having a second car and I doubt anyone will be living here with me. But I’m trying to keep things organized here.

I was working the other day (from home) when I got a text from an unfamiliar number. The texter told me she was working at a local Tex-Mex restaurant. “Great,” I replied. “Who is this?” It was one of the former servers at the Watering Hole. She had changed numbers. I was surprised to hear from her. We hadn’t had any interaction in more than a year. She said she missed talking to me and maybe I could come by or we could have lunch or something. I told her I’m not sure about going to large gathering places yet but a picnic would be fine. She said she would let me know. I have no expectation of hearing from her again though. It was possibly just a solicitation to get back a customer who would leave a good tip. If she really wants to talk she obviously had my number.

Meanwhile I’m still sitting here in isolation, seeing no one,talking to no one. A sister and brother-in-law came by for a visit over the weekend, the first visitors I’ve had who weren’t here for service calls of some sort. I so wish there was someone to talk to. This loneliness and isolation is really starting to bother me. Oh, who am I kidding? You know it started a long time ago. Really not sure why I keep telling you. You can’t do anything about it and it’s probably never going to change. Living the life I deserve.

Wiped out

I feel so tired and haven’t really done anything to warrant it. It started Sunday night. My stomach hurt and I dozed off and on throughout the night, frequently dreaming I had the coronavirus. I don’t. I don’t think. I don’t do anything that would put me at great risk. I wear a mask hen I go anywhere, which is pretty much exclusively the store every few days. It had been three days before I was feeling bad since I had left the house for anything but walking the length of the driveway to grab the mail.

I had that stomachache a couple days before it felt better. But I’m still pretty tired. Don’t know why. I haven’t felt much like doing much around the house. I am proud of the fact I’ve not let clutter pile up. But if it does it’s not like anyone will know.

I’ve been thinking more about where I am in this crazy time. It’s not the best time to be alone. And lonely. And honestly without hope of it ever changing as long as we have to live our lives the way we have to now. But really, I’m 56 and have been alone for 42 of them, including the past five. And for these past five I’ve been told over and over I’m unworthy of anyone’s time or love. I’m not a catch. Honestly I don’t see myself with anyone ever again. Not by choice, but the consensus from every woman is she could do better than be stuck with me. Life is too short to spend it with some depressed loser with no future.

I spend all this time alone thinking about all this stuff because it’s all there is to do when you spend all your time alone. There’s no one calling to see how I’m doing. Oh, occasionally someone may text, but texts are so impersonal. And can end as abruptly as they started. I miss having anyone to talk to. Hearing someone’s voice. Maybe someone who needs help like me. But everyone else has someone. No, I have to figure this shit out myself, without anyone to be a guide or copilot. And things like touch, holding hands, holding someone, kissing, sex, will all be a distant memory until my memory is gone. But don’t mind me. This is just a place to whine because I can’t do so outside the Anonymous Void. Who would hear or listen anyway?