Jumbled mess

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I don’t necessarily get on much even to browse around. I’ve not had much to say, so I just keep to myself. No sense boring the anonymous void with the same crap. Has anything happened since I was last around? Not really. My mom died, but I think I said that was going to happen. I made a connection with someone online, which I think is the last thing I wrote about several weeks ago. It’s still nothing more than a blooming friendship but that’s OK. We have talked a lot on the phone. They could last a couple hours. We met very briefly a couple weeks ago. She is president of her neighborhood association and was in charge of a neighborhood yard sale one day. I went to check it out. She saw me wandering around across the room and said, “I recognize you. You own that … No, that’s not it. But I know you.” Then we spoke just a bit and it hit her who I was from the voice. We only talked about 2 1/2 hours the night before. There was another night she texted me about 11:45 p.m. to see if I was still up and could she call me. So she called and immediately told me she had to go to bed by 12:15. At 12:50 she said it was past her bed time. “It was past your bed time before you even made the phone call.” “OKtalktoyousoonbye.”

Mostly we talk about her relationship. She broke up with the 50-year-old woman she had been seeing (she’s 31). She met a 27-year-old Mexican woman and they had a date last week. She’s unsure how things will work out. She wants to go slow, the other woman is trying to move a bit faster. Sounds just like a lot of hetero relationships. But we are discovering the same issue I’ve had finding a relationship is also somewhat of a hindrance to pursuing this friendship. My work schedule sucks. She is already in bed (usually) a couple hours before I get off work. There have been a few times she’s wanted to talk but I’m not available. I had commented on someone else’s blog post about my work schedule being a possible roadblock to finding love. Another commenter called me out on it claiming it was bullshit. I discussed it with my new friend and she said it’s not bullshit just based on our friendship struggle.

So that sort of set me in a funk. I’ve not been to the watering hole in a couple weeks either. I figure it’s much cheaper to be lonely and depressed at home. I’m just some old man who isn’t important. My absence hasn’t been noticed.

I’ve been pondering a little what, if anything, I might like to do or where to go if I’m going to take a vacation this summer. Nothing really strikes my fancy if I have to do it alone. While I did San Antonio alone last summer I know it would have been so much better shared with someone. But there’s no one to share it with. At least no one willing to share it with me. Do I really want to do that again? Why? Where? Life really sucks sometimes.

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Connection?

So I gave up the online dating sites awhile back. They weren’t working, at least not for me. I still had my Bumble account, although I don’t check it too often. Maybe a handful of times a month. And usually always no connection. But I did get a connection recently. An attractive lady, 31, who lives just a couple miles away. Of course my first thought is spammer/scammer looking for something. We exchanged the occasional message over several days. Nothing major or anything. She said she was just looking for conversation and friendship. I’m fine with that. It was maybe a week or 10 days of those occasoinal messages, not even every day, that we finally exchanged numbers. We texted some last Thursday, but then we talked on the phone the next night. A lot. As in nearly three hours. We had some more texts since then, but then another two-plus hours on the phone tonight.

We figured out we have a lot of the same social and philosophical beliefs. Conversation has flowed fairly easily. I imagine the anonymous void is giddy over the possibilities this opens up. Except there probably aren’t any. She is a lesbian. She likes women, has dated them, is dating one. And probably always will be with one. She was just looking for a friend to talk to, even on the male side. I popped up and we connected.

So what does it all mean? Probably nothing. She’s not going to be a romantic partner. There’s no guarantee we’ll even meet. I’ll just be someone she can talk to, maybe bounce some thoughts off of. You know how much I’ve needed a friend, how my loneliness has been fueled by the lack of companionship, a willing listener. But also the love and physical touch of a loving relationship. Maybe she can lead me to someone else who can fulfill that need. I told her I have given up all of my online things. “Except Bumble,” she pointed out, suggesting I didn’t so we could make a connection. Maybe. Who knows?

I’m still in that spot where I no longer believe there will ever be someone for me. But now I’m a bit more hopeful there could be. I won’t hold my breath though.

Furniture row

It’s been a rough day emotionally. More may be forthcoming. It’s quite possible I had the last conversation I’ll ever have with my mother today. It wasn’t much, what with her mouth blocked by a breathing mask and her slipping in and out of sleep after a surgery this morning. She’s ready to go and has been for quite awhile. She misses dad, who died in 2016. She’s had a lot of health issues, especially over the past couple of months. She’s tired of fighting to stay alive, and has said as much often. My sister made me decide how we want to proceed. We’re just giving her some steroids that may help a bit of recovery, and some pain meds to keep her from suffering in pain. Both the surgeon and her doctor caring for her now don’t expect her to last much longer.

I’ve never been super close to her, but I was the first she brought into this world 55 years ago. But it will be difficult, as I’m sure a large number of you in the anonymous void are well aware. So I’m sorting out feelings and emotions now. And doing so on my own. But that’s what happens when you’re alone.

I stopped in the watering hole for a little while tonight, planning to eat. I didn’t stay long, 40 minutes maybe. I was just another piece of furniture though. My server spent about two minutes with me, then went off to sit with another server. Not sure what was going on.
My favorite was there but I didn’t know she was working. She never said hi though. Really the bartender was the only one who acknowledged me, hollering her hello and asking how I was. We don’t really know each other since I don’t sit at the bar, but I think she’s been flirting a little. We had talked about that recently. Not her flirting with me because she may not be, and really probably isn’t. She told me she is terrible at flirting. She doesn’t give her number, but there was one guy she was interested in that she gave her number to. And soon regretted it. He only wanted to text and she hates text (me too). And he couldn’t spell. That was a major annoyance to her. She was disappointed at his obvious lack of education. No idea where all that riff came from either.

I was wanting to eat since all I’d had today was a small bag of chips. When my water glass was about empty, I just gathered up my stuff and left. I doubt it was noticed for awhile. I realize I’m a regular customer there, and it’s easy to look past me because I’m there a lot. But I don’t deserve to be ignored. I treat them all well, listen to their problems, tip them more than well, and get ignored a lot for my troubles. I guess it’s time to take another break.

I’m exhausted. The couple people I have reached out to tonight have ignored me. Think I’ll go to bed now.

No Reason

I’m in a low point again. I was doing so well for awhile. But it has gone south lately. I think I know some of the reason for it.

I was supposed to go to the museum today. I didn’t sleep well. Doorbell rang at 9 a.m., startling me out of a sound sleep. It was a package for the couple above me. As usual. They get about five a week. I was still dead tired so I went back to sleep and wait for my alarm to go off. It maybe did. If so I turned it off and went back to sleep. Until 12:30 or so. That was too late to get showered, dressed, gas up the car, maybe get something to eat and make the three-hour drive and still have a decent bit of time to explore the stuff I wanted to see. So I basically wasted this day. But that’s not what got me down.

“I thought you were taking someone,” you, the anonymous void, are probably remembering. Well, that fell through a couple days ago, as always happens with me. Seems even though we’d made this plan, she failed to ask off work. I tend to rearrange my schedule to accommodate others, and still plans fall through. It’s what happens when you’re not important. But I’m used to it. I was just looking for a friend to do something with. That’s not the reason.

I stopped at the watering hole. I guess since she wasn’t going to the museum she would serve me. So we visited quite a bit but she was having a bad night. Too many girls working, not enough customers in to make any money. She was stuck closing. A table walked out, leaving only $40 on a $60 tab, meaning no tip and she had to cover the difference. Just a lot of things piling up. I tried cheering her up even though I’m in a sad spot now. I asked what I could do to help. “Just be you and listen to me whine.” I’m good at that. I listen. But I have no one to listen to me. I left a note telling her she is awesome and things will get better. It’s the sort of thing I do trying to make others feel better and to know they are important. Sadly, it never happens in reverse. If you aren’t important, no one thinks of your feelings. But I’m used to that. It bothers me, but it’s not what’s bothering me so much.

It hit me recently that I’m right at the four-year anniversary of my marriage ending. I don’t remember the exact date but it is around now. And I was realizing that was the last time I was with anyone sexually. Not long after was my last kiss. And I have no reason to believe I’ll ever experience a kiss or sex or anything again. I miss having someone to hold. The emotional connection. Friendship. Companionship. Sharing life with someone. But I’m living the life I deserve. That’s the reason I’m sad.

New life

The young couple above me had their first baby over the weekend. I thought that was the case. I heard a lot of commotion at 3am (their living room is directly above my bedroom). I was on my way out yesterday afternoon when he was pulling in. We talked a little bit about it. Then, “Would you like to meet her?So I went up with him, visited his wife a bit, then she asked if I wanted to hold her. So there I was holding this tiny thing that’s only been here five days and just wants to sleep. He took a couple pics of me holding her too.

I went in to the watering hole later. I showed my server the pics. ‘Aww, your grandchild?” Nope. I’m old enough to have one but I never will. I’ll never have children, which is a first requirement. It was never a big deal for me to have a kid. My ex-wife wanted them. Then we started trying and nothing happened. Doctors checked me. They checked her. Everything checked out. But it wouldn’t work.

Looking back that was a strain. She wanted a child. Her sister had a child. My niece, who wasn’t a great deal younger than her, had one. Her best friend, and other friends, had them. She didn’t. And I don’t think I supported her the way she needed. I didn’t hurt as much as she did. Had we had one I’d have been overjoyed I’m sure. But it didn’t happen. And now the chance is gone. Probably for both of us. I thought about that as I was holding that brand-new one. I’m going to die alone having not contributed anything meaningful like a beautiful child.

Love loss reflections

I went to the watering hole late Tuesday night (I had to pull some overtime at work). A server met me at the door. I’d never seen her before. I asked who was working. “Me and a bunch of girls I don’t know.” I looked around and had to agree with her assessment. “Would you like to sit with me?” I said sure. After all, I’m mostly watching whatever sports (baseball now) I can catch and maybe have some conversation. She proved to be another talkative one. She graduated from the same high school as the other, so maybe they are all talkative. But I know that isn’t the case. My favorite, who I’ve not seen in a couple weeks, also graduated from there. So did my friend I have helped with travel and stuff. While both talk to me, neither are overly talkative from the start. But I digress.

Anyway, new girl confided about boyfriend problems (I’m really not sure how I am deemed confidante to the 19- to 23-year-old girl contingent). He wasn’t pleased with her getting the job, even came by to check in on her (the night was her first solo after training, which explains why I’d not seen her before). He was upset she was talking to a customer. As I told her, she’s going to talk to customers. He’s just got to get over the jealousy. They aren’t his competition unless he’s not treating her well. We had a nice visit (I even found out her uncle is a former co-worker of mine). I was about to leave at the end of the night when she stopped me to give me her number. Now I don’t ask for numbers or social media contacts or the like. I do have quite a few. But as I told her, I don’t mind if she or any others want to give me a number, and if they do they are welcome to call or text any time, but I do not generally initiate the call or text. My travel companion server and I were talking about that recently. The last thing she needs is to be hanging out with her boyfriend some night and suddenly she gets a text from me, some old man. No. “He knows about you; it’s OK.” That’s not the point. New girl’s boyfriend doesn’t know me and doesn’t need to think he’s competing with some random person either. So I don’t do that.

I went in tonight and new girl again was my server. I asked how things were with boyfriend and she said he apologized and they’re good. I get the sense she really likes this guy a lot, maybe even enough to marry, so it’s good they smooth things out. She then asked about me. I told her I’m divorced. She asked what happened. I gave her many of the highlights, including my wife coming home one day (four years ago later this month) and telling me she thinks she likes girls, or one in particular. “I didn’t see that coming,” new girl told me. “Me neither,” I replied. I explained we’re still friends, still talk and text and the like. “Do you still love her?”

And finally I get to the point of this post. Yes, I still love her. We spent 14 years together and had way, way, way more good times than bad in that time. And I think I can safely say she still loves me. I also can say we’re not in love with each other, at least not in the way that we were for most of that time. It’s OK. Our season passed. I would love to have that again some day but no longer believe that will ever happen. I am finally starting to accept that after fighting it for so long. I’ll miss passion, the emotion. I understand why I’m where I am and will be where I’ll be, generally. I ask you, the anonymous void, why should I expect someone to give her heart to me when I didn’t take care of the one I had before?

Women in my generation have had their failure of a husband and don’t want to deal with them again. They are overwhelmingly conservative and don’t mix well with someone more liberal. Younger women may be more liberal, but they don’t want to waste their youth with some old geezer. Nor would I want that either. So I’ll just occupy my little space and try not to be a bother anywhere. Fortunately I still have that.

So tiring

I’m so tired. Not really the go to bed type of tired, although it is getting late. It’s the mental and emotional tiredness that’s come from watching all the bad things that have happened over the past three years and the promise of more coming. And the loneliness of having no one to talk about them with either. Politics, a subject I’ve never had a lick of interest in, has worn me out. I’m tired of the emotional toll of every awful thing Trump and the GOP pulls day after day. I have shut off my Twitter feeds that have pounded me for these past three years. I instead have turned my attention back to baseball. It’s 2 am and I’m watching the Dodgers-Diamondbacks going to the 12th inning. Isn’t that wonderful? I have my issues with baseball too, but I can overlook some of them. If they’d leave the damn game alone, that is. I had high hopes for things when Manfred took over, but he’s determined to destroy the game it appears.

[And after I posted this I realized somehow this next portion got deleted. So editing to re-add it.]

I think my last post I mentioned the new server at the watering hole, the talkative one. We’ve visited several times since and have smoothed things over. She’s still talkative. I still listen. But that’s OK. I mostly listen as she tells me various things. I’ve been a sounding board as she talks about a relationship with a military guy 1,000 miles away that she’s trying to figure out if it’s going anywhere. Mostly I just listen as she plows through her thoughts.

I told her about a server last year (who she graduated high school with) that I took to a really nice museum a couple hundred miles from here. This one said she’s always wanted to go there but hasn’t had a chance yet. I jokingly said let’s go. She not jokingly said OK. So we’ve made plans to go there in three or four weeks.

I was never much of a museum person until I got together with my ex-wife. She is one. I gained an appreciation I guess. I always enjoy going to this one, for the collections and the site, which is in a beautiful setting too. And I’ll get to see the reaction of a first-timer again.

Now to see how this game, still going on, ends.