It’s been just over a year since I left the office to work from home. Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of buying my home. I have spent every day here for 51 weeks since I moved in usually all day every day. Except for store trips the only times I’ve been away for more than a couple hours have been five times working at the office because of power or internet failures at home and a day trip 200 miles away last summer for a wedding, the only time I’ve left the county in 15 months.
It has been a very trying year. I’ve talked to very few people this year. Over the past four or so months we’ve had thanksgiving and Christmas and I had a birthday. For each occasion I received four or maybe five texts. But nothing more than merry Christmas or happy birthday. No calls. No inquiry about how I’m doing. I don’t remember the last time I had a phone conversation that wasn’t work related, and there aren’t many of those.
There’s a lot I think about. I so wish there was someone to talk to but what would I say? There are so many out there in the same situation. Why would my issues be any more pressing than anyone else’s?
It is embarrassing that loneliness has such a hold on me. In general I’m in decent health. I have a job. I have a home. There are so many people over the past year who have lost those things; are mourning the loss of family or friends. So many are struggling and I’m crying because no one wants to talk to me. But I can’t even tell anyone I miss conversation, touch, the chance at love. No one has time to listen to someone whining, and I’d never subject anyone to it anyway. I leave that for here.
I noticed something recently while watching a video of a quarantine show David Gilmour and family have been doing. He is the Pink Floyd guitarist. His wife is a successful writer. They’ve been married 25 or so years and she still looks at him like they have just started dating. I wish I had something like that. But I can’t even draw a single look. My time for love seems to have passed. Friendship too maybe.
I have thoughts, frequently common thoughts. Thoughts that I will never be anything but alone the rest of my life. What do I have to offer anyone? I’m just an old man. While I am in decent health right now I do have some issues. No one deserves to be saddled with taking care of me down the road. I don’t expect that anyway.
I’ll go back to my alone thoughts and my alone time. I’ve gotten good at it. It’s all I have.