My house is filthy. I knew it was dirty, cluttered, in need of cleaning more than just sweeping here and there, doing dishes, laundry, etc. But until last week, when a quick laser to my eyes cleared off the new growth of cataracts, I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten. Everything is bright and clear, including the dirt. So I’ve gotten started on it since I don’t have anywhere else to be.
Today I tackled the bathroom. I’d spent time on the tub and shower over the weekend but today it was cleaning it again, plus the sink and counter, and some storage spots in there, and the toilet and mopping the floor. It was an hourslong process with a dinner break thrown in. I’ve mopped twice and will do it once more after this last one dries so I’m not completely done yet. And truth be told, I could probably do it all again tomorrow to get things I missed today. It may never end. And there’s still the rest of the house to go. I’ll start on some other rooms maybe later this week.
While I was working on today’s project I decided to check out a new podcast. My friend, acquaintance really, and her best friend/roommate started their own. It includes dirty talk — and not the broom and dustpan cleanup type. I’m not offended by such discussions, and really found them informative and entertaining in a no-filter look at sex through the eyes of 22yo women. I’m sure I probably learned some things, but it also wiped the dirt out of my eyes and gave me a clearer look at things I probably already knew. One of those is that my sexual life ended about 4 1/2 years ago, most likely never to be active with another person again. Why should I ever expect that to happen if I can’t even interest a woman in a date without the pressure of sex? Maybe if I pay someone, which I’d never do.
Do I miss it? Of course. But it’s not just about the intercourse. When I think about someone that way, I think a lot about just holding, caressing and cuddling someone. I miss touch, loving touch. My ex-wife is the last woman I kissed. I’ve not even been close to doing that since. I miss that. Holding hands on a walk. Smart conversation. None of that is in my life now, and doesn’t appear to be an option in the future. Women in my age group appear to be fed up with sex being the only thing men want, so they hold it against all men it appears. Younger women have no interest in some old man — as the podcasters talked about in their discussion — and I certainly don’t blame them for that. Or maybe both groups just find me revolting. That’s also possible.
So like everything else in my life now it’s just an unfulfilled fantasy. And I don’t even have anyone in particular to be that fantasy, which really is a good thing I guess. Then I’m not obsessing over what I’ll never have. It’s not like I’m the only person in this boat. Lots of people — men and women — are unable to find that person to give them the things they crave. We want validation of our humanity. But maybe I have everything I deserve now.
They promised their next topic is going to be dating apps. I know all about them, at least from my experience as a middle-aged man. It’s mostly just a tease. Women really do have the advantage on them. But that’s OK. I’ve accepted it. I’m aware I don’t fit the parameters of the great catch, whether it’s looks, prestige, sex appeal. I also know what they are missing out on. Sadly, that also leaves me missing out too.
While I cry about being alone and lonely I don’t talk about missing out on the sex aspects. I was missing that long before my one long relationship and really figured that’s the way life was going to be for me. The same way with being alone. That was just a given, and had been going back to high school. I wasn’t on anyone’s radar back then even. I’m unlikely to harp on that missing aspect because then I look like all the other asses who think they are owed that, and I don’t feel that way. It’s got to be a two-way street and no one chooses to travel on my street.
Time for me to stop. I’m just rambling about nothing anyone cares about now.